Survival Tips with Unusual Melee Weapons
by Yuusuke Shori
Summary: [AU] Ever wonder how to survive a zombie apocalypse without any weapons that are commonly found in the L4D and L4D2? Just give us an object, and the experienced survivors will guide you how to get the object handy.
1. Football

**Hey, here's another side project of mine. Well, I'm doing this because there are more things that can be used to defend one self during zombie apocalypse. I ran through the game and I saw some melee weapons like machete, katana, guitar, baseball bat, cricket bat, axe, nightstick, golf club, frying pan, chainsaw, crowbar, and even gnome and foam finger. LOL!**

**Now, the experienced survivors will coach us how to make the accessories right beside us in good use, and keep us out of reach of the infected. So, you can make a request, just by giving me an object, for example "football".**

**Today, Coach will coach us how to lure the horde with football. Back to you, Coach.**

Alright thanks bro. Today I'm guiding you how to play game with this. _(Takes out the football)_

Well, I had experience with this sport before… _(Giggles)_ Man, I used to play this sport until I got my knee injured. Too bad, bro.

Anyway, I'm here to tell you about the survival tips with this. The situation comes like this… Imagine you're stuck in the middle of the field and you're surrounded by the infected. Maybe you're in the middle of football training and the only object which is the closest to you it the football.

_(Horde approaching)_

Alright, here it goes. Grab a football with your right hand. Remember; place your palm at the middle part of the football… Yeah, like this… Make sure that the edges are in a good condition.

_(Horde approaching Coach)_

Alright! Here it goes!

_(Swings his arms)_

Swing your arms as hard as you can! Make sure you can make the edge of football in good use!

_(Knocks down an infected)_

Hell yeah, just like that! Remember, use the edge to lure the head of infected. Swing your arms as hard as you can and… _(An infected lures Coach, Coach hits back with the football)_ kick their ass… my pals!

_(More infected approaching)_

Remember, use the same technique… _(Knocks down one)_ and kick… _(Knocks down another one)_ their ass! _(Knocks down another one)_

Alright, this is how you kill the common infected with this. _(Throws away the football)_ But, I don't recommend you to use this piece of shit to gamble your life with the hunters and the witches and even the tanks! _(Laughs)_ That's all for day, back to you, pal.

**Thanks coach. I'm pretty sure that football is not recommended in an apocalypse. **_**(Coach giggles) **_**But it will come in handy when you have no other option. So, why don't you give a review or a request or both to us? Till then, see you next time. **


	2. Boomerang

**Cool… Now we got a request from Komamura's son! Let me see… (Takes out the letter) It says, "Hey Ellis, can you please guide us how to lure the infected with a boomerang?" A boomerang? Sounds cool, bro. So Ellis, is there any idea of defeating the infected with a boomerang?**

Surely, it will do.

**Now, show me.**

Alright, pals. (Takes out the boomerang) This is the boomerang. As you can see, this thing is so-called L-shaped. And usually we throw it as hard as we can and it will fly back to us, pretty amazing. I remembered I used to play boomerang while hanging out with Keith. Ridiculously he stubbornly threw and caught the boomerang and I was like rolling on the floor and laughing my ass off! (Laughs) Aw man, those were the days… (Giggles)

Back to the point, the key to kill the son of bitches is the edges of it. The damage can be lethal. I'm going to tell you that…

(Horde approaching)

Alright pals… here there comes…

(An infected approaches Ellis; Ellis swings his hand with the boomerang)Take this, you son of a bitch! (Head of the infected falls off)

That's all good. As you can see, all you have to do is grab one edge of the boomerang… Yeah, the moment before you throw a boomerang… and don't let go of the boomerang, instead just grip it as hard as you can. Then use the other edge to chop the bitches' heads off.

(More infected approaching)

Watch carefully, pals! (Uses the same technique and kills all infected)

Man, I found this piece of shit useful. Maybe I won't use any other bats or guitar and even foam finger… (Laughs) Maybe I shall stick to it and…

(Hunter screaming)

Damn, I smell a hunter.

**A hunter?**

Don't you hear that? C'mon hunter, come and get me!

(Hunter flying towards Ellis)

Not this time, bitch! (Lures the hunter with the boomerang; Hunter flinches)

Take this, you son of bitch! (Chops the hunter's head off) Hell yeah!

**So, the boomerang is useful, isn't it?**

Sure it is, and… (Checks the boomerang) Shit. The boomerang is getting useless. The cracks. (throws away the boomerang) I shall get the harder one, after all.

**Yeah, for sure. I'm pretty sure that boomerang is not a bad weapon, after all. Better get the boomerang in a good use before it will be hit into pieces. Thanks Ellis, see you then.**

Absolutely.


	3. Belt

**Just got another request from a random guest… (Takes out the letter) And it says, "Hey Nick, can you guide us how to lure an infected with a belt?" WOW, a belt… Any ideas, Nick?**

NO.

**Plot twist: You're in the middle of a desert or a canyon, just no one, nothing, except you. With your cool suit along with your belt, of course.**

Are you kidding me?

**NO.**

Ah, shit. I won't do that, dude.

**If you don't, I will treat you some chocolates.**

Shit. Fine, fine, I will show you… (_Pulls out the belt and stares for a while)_

Alright dude, I think I got this. This belt has the metal-like thing that is… God damn it, I can't name it… by the way the metal could make the damage to the max. Also, by using the strap you can swing the belt like a cowboy and…

_(Hordes approaching)_

C'mon, not again… So I should grab the other end of the belt and… leave the metal hanging, and…

_(Notices one infected running towards Nick; Nick swings the belt really hard)_ Take that! _(Infected falls onto ground)_ Easy job, just swing the belt, like a boss.

_(Other infected running towards Nick; Nick uses the same technique and killed all by one)_

Shit.

_(Nick approaches the survived infected, wraps the belt around the neck of the infected)_

Tch… Same technique is applied as when you want to commit suicide… _(Pulls the belt harder and successfully kills the infected)_

If you don't hit it, just wrap it. The belt is getting useful, after all. Well I won't get the chocolates and…

_(Jockey unexpectedly rides on Nick; Nick struggles)_

Shit! Get this god damn shit out of me! _(Swings the belt until jockey falls off)_

Ah finally! _(Hits the jockey really hard with the belt; jockey dies)_

Whew, that was the tough one… Belt is not recommended I guess… But at least I don't need the chocolates, after all... _(Giggles)_

**Surely you don't need that. Stay tuned pals, as Nick will perform again soon.**

What? With belt again?

**No.**

Oh c'mon man, what's the next item?

**Won't tell.**

You're such a retarded bitch.


	4. Hanger

**While Nick is preparing for the next move, why not we invite Rochelle for this season greetings? Today is Christmas Day, you know. SO Rochelle, what're you doing?**

Hey, you're interrupting me in a shopping mall. It's Christmas, though.

**You mean 'the abandoned mall'?**

Probably.

**Here's a twist, requested from Konstantinsen… The mall is now full of infected.**

Wait. Are you kidding me?

_(Hordes approaching)_

**No. The nearest object with you is a hanger. Grab it.**

What?!

**Just do it.**

Alright, challenge accepted. _(Grabs a hanger)_ So that means I shall grab at the one end here and… Good, it's made of wood. Same effects as a baseball bat. All I have to do is just swing the hanger and chop the bitches' head off.

_(One infected runs towards Rochelle; Rochelle swings the hanger and chops the head off.)_

Well, Christmas shopping spree isn't a bad thing, after all. _(Giggles)_ Alright, I need some entertainment here.

_(With the hangar, Rochelle walks towards the horde and chop the heads off.)_

Dude, never underestimate a woman.

**Good, but we have an uninvited guest for Christmas.**

Let me guess… Is that Santa?

_(Splitter approaching)_

WOW. _(Giggles)_ Did I call her Santa?

_(Splitter vomits; Rochelle avoids)_

Hey, what a Christmas gift for me! Thanks but I won't take it! _(Chops the splitter's head off with the hanger)_ …and I better avoid that Christmas gift… _(Walks away from the splitter goo)_

So guys, I'm going to tell you that hanger is essential if you're in the mall, unless… _(Snaps the damaged hanger and throws it away)_ …it's broken. Merry Christmas guys, May no infected approaches you…


End file.
